Tinkle tinkle!!

Tonight Tyler went pee pee on the potty three times in a row intentionally!! I know you think that's highly unlikely because he isn't even two years old yet but I am not kidding. I am BEYOND excited!!! The interesting thing was it was Brody's idea to try. Brody was pulling at his diaper while I was in there washing my hands and so of course as soon as I got him all set on the training potty Tyler wanted to hop on the "big" potty (normal-sized). He sat there (facing the tank, that's how Hunter trained also) for less than a minute looking down and truly concentrating when he started tinkling a little!! Hunter and Daddy rushed in and we all clapped and he joined in of course. In my opinion that is one of the cutest moments of toddlerhood. Watching how proud he was with his giant smile and little hands all spread wide and clapping together sitting with his little naked butt. It doesn't get much cuter! His reward was an M&M, of which he loved and wanted more. When Hunter told him he would have to earn it by going potty again, he hopped back on and went some more! So he got another M&M and of course wanted more. So he repeated the whole process a third time and went for a long time to finish out the session!

Brody tried but was unsuccessful. He has been very very sick the last few days, with a high fever, runny nose and constant cough so I was surprised that he even had any interest. He has mostly been just lying on someone's shoulder all day today very lifeless and sad. John's parents were in town visiting today so he spent the morning with his little head on Nona's shoulder. Then it was mine. Then he finished out the evening on John's while I took Hunter to Monkey Joe's for his reward for filling his pom pon jar. He barely played at all today. It broke my heart to give Tyler his three M&M's and Brody none when he clearly wanted one too. :( Poor little guy. I just have to keep reminding myself that his time will come. There are many M&M's in his future.

But we are very very proud of our little Ty guy. I'm sure Brody will be close behind once he feels a little better. They both are very interested in the potty and have been for at least a month now, which is why I even have tried putting them on the potty at all. They notice when Hunter is using the bathroom and run in there to watch. In my head I thought it was too early to start but as long as they were interested I wanted to encourage it. We've tried about five times prior to today without much "luck" There were two other times that Tyler did pee but he started peeing on the bathroom floor and I quickly just plopped him up on the potty to finish up. That doesn't count. Tonight was different. Yay Tyler!!!

How nice would it be to have a month or two diaper-free before the new baby comes. I know I am getting ahead of myself but one can hope!

One week later...

I have had a week to digest the news of the addition of a fourth boy to our family and I'm feeling better about it. I know this must be happening for a reason and frankly, I don't have time to feel sorry for myself any longer, with mouths to feed, papers to correct, people to serve, a house to clean, a garden to put in, lessons to plan, laundry to do...you would not even believe the amount of laundry in this house. And it's about to get even worse! I re-read my last blog entry and wish I could take some of what I said back. I don't want this baby to ever think that I don't love him or didn't want him. I also don't want to trade everything I've ever wanted or will want for a girl. That would mean I would trade the health of Tyler and Brody away. With that risky pregnancy I wanted healthy babies more than anything and prayed for that for so many months. I could never imagine my life without them as they are. They bring me such immense joy. They, along with Hunter, have been the best distraction I could have hoped for and lucky for me they have been extra cute and funny lately. The other day Brody was in his time-out chair and Tyler went over and unstrapped him, setting him free! Little stinkers! I couldn't help laughing at that!! And Hunter had his Spring Concert last night and was the cutest boy on stage for sure!!! The K5 class all sang "All Star" by The Barenaked Ladies but with some changed lyrics to make it sweeter and they all dressed in baseball gear and had motions to go along with their song. I was eating up every second. Life moves on. I'm not saying that every time I see a cute little girl all dressed up that I won't feel sad about not having a daughter. I doubt that feeling of loss will ever go away. But my boys are special blessings that I will always cherish...all four of them.

Fourth boy

I had big plans on Friday...walk into my doctor's appointment, find out that the baby is a girl (I was thoroughly convinced) and head to the mall to buy her first dress. I couldn't wait! That all changed when the technician broke the news that this baby is yet another boy. And so instead I cried. And cried. And am still crying over thoughts that I will never know what it's like to watch my daughter in a dance recital, or shop with her for prom dresses or help throw her baby shower. But what bothers me the most is not missing out on events such as those. It's the mother-daughter relationship that I will never have that I am anguishing over. I have dreamed of that for what seems like forever.

I have many emotions that I'm trying to work through and next in line after sadness is tremendous guilt. The technicians and doctors also came to the conclusion with all of their measurements and observations that all signs point to a healthy baby. There are so many people in the world that cannot even have one child and I've been blessed with four. Or there are others who have multiple children with major birth defects and spend much of their life in and out of hospitals. I have no right to complain and I feel awful for having the feelings that I do. Yet I cannot deny how I feel.

I will never be the mother of a bride. I mentioned this to John and he said, "Think of how I feel...I'll never walk anyone down the aisle." That thought never occurred to me and so I feel more guilt. John wanted a girl very badly as well. And he told me he really has nobody to even talk to about feeling this loss. His friends are pushing 40 and unmarried with the exception of one or two who have unique experiences all their own and he doesn't want to talk to me about it because I'm such a mess. I feel awful for him.

At the restaurant last night I waited on a family of four with one girl and one boy. As I was pouring water in to the glass of the girl, who was about 9 years old, no ice cubes happened to fall into her glass. Her mother turned to her and said, "You really wanted ice in your water, didn't you?" And she said in the most dramatic fashion, "It's really hard to drink water without ice." And in my annoyance of having to go get a different polished glass and pour her some new water making sure there was plenty of ice in it I had an epiphany that maybe I wasn't cut out to mother a girl. Boys don't care about ice. They are so much more laid back and I love that. Maybe there's only room in this house for one princess and that's me. I actually started to feel better about things until moments later when I looked over at another table nearby with the most adorable little girl (about 8 months old) who was wearing this sweet white knit hat with a big purple cloth flower attached to the front of it and tears started welling up in my eyes again.

With the exception of one person who thought having my hopes and dreams shattered into a billion pieces was pretty funny, my friends and family have been so supportive of me by lending a sympathetic ear and by choosing not to lecture me about how I should be happy that it's healthy no matter the gender. Of course, I know this already but it doesn't change how sad I am. I also know it's not easy to call when you know the person you will be speaking with is in turmoil over something and there is nothing you can do or say to help and I appreciate those calls very much.

I called my dad yesterday to tell him the news and after much consoling he said, "Sometimes in life we don't get what we want." I wish I could trade everything I've ever wanted and will want in the future for this one thing. My heart is breaking.

Hunter's tooth

When my brother and all the boys picked me up from school yesterday Hunter said, "Mom, look!" and opened his mouth so I could take a peek at the tooth that has been loose for probably a month now, which was hanging by one tiny thread all twisted and crooked. It looked like it could fall out at any second. He has been trying to avoid the inevitable and hold onto this tooth for as long as he possibly can (just as he did with his first loose tooth). He is so funny! John even offered to up the ante a few weeks ago and offered him MORE than the tooth fairy's going rate if he would just pull it out himself. He considered it for a long time but decided against it, which was why I was surprised to see that when we got home he actually tried to pull it out himself for a while. He wasn't having any luck getting a good grip on it though and so I suggested an apple. He went for the idea and low and behold...it came out. So he has officially lost his second tooth and has a gaping hole in the bottom front row of teeth, which I think looks so cute. Last night before bed when we were getting the tooth ready in his "Twinkle Toof" and setting it in place for the tooth fairy he told me, "I hope I'm awake when she comes so I can see her. Then I'll know for sure if she's live or fake."

Help on the stairs

Tyler and Brody are really good at climbing up and down the stairs. They get lots of practice with our two-story house. Tyler has even attempted a few steps (going down) with no hands holding onto the railing, which makes me very nervous. I'm always there to hold hands and supervise just in case. Yesterday we were making our way down to the living room and both boys were on the stairs. I was lower down in front of them holding one of each of their outside hands. Brody was a step or two closer to me and Tyler was still up on top of the landing when suddenly Brody stopped, looked back at Tyler and reached his available hand for Tyler's as if to say, "I'll help you little guy!" Tyler grabbed his hand so their inner hands were together and I still had hold of their outer hands and we walked down a few steps like that. It was the cutest thing EVER!!! They are such little buddies. If only I had an extra set of hands I could've snapped a picture to share.

Our Father...

The last few Sundays we have been able to go to church as a family because John now has weekends off with his new job. It is so much easier on me having that extra help getting everyone ready and into the "crying" room. Last Sunday at the part of mass where you recite The Lord's Prayer Hunter piped up and started saying it verbatim at the top of his lungs. He was SO proud of himself that he could participate! I didn't even know that he knew it! He must have been practicing it at Religious Education. It was adorable to watch and something I'll always remember.

Nighttime reading

Lately after we tuck Hunter in (and read him stories) I have caught him sleeping with a book or children's magazine (National Geographic Kids) lying next to him or close by. I think he is sneaking a little nighttime reading after we leave. I haven't mentioned anything to him about it because I don't think there's any harm in it. As long as he's quietly in his room I don't have any complaints. I can't force the kid to sleep! Anyway, several nights ago I found him sleeping with the book still open in his little hand and I had to run and get the tripod so that I could get this shot. So cute!