Baby #4?

We are excited to announce that we are expecting a baby! We have very mixed feelings about this one and for good reason. This news came as a BIG shock to us, as this was an unplanned pregnancy, much different from our first ones. To say that this is a HUGE surprise is an understatement. We are still trying to figure out how it even happened. This will be forever a mystery to us.

I'll be brutally honest, I was expecting my period for over a week, even wearing minipads and carrying around tampons in my purse. When it didn't come I reluctantly bought a pregnancy test more than anything to rule it out and put my mind to rest. When it came out positive my heart started racing. I cannot express how differently I feel this time around. At the sight of a positive pregnancy test (and I've had five of them now) I have always been instantly elated and impatient to tell John and everyone else. I'm hesitant to say that my thoughts turned to how I could break this news to anyone, especially John. Of course I love this baby as much as the others but my head was getting in the way of my heart. I know that this is not responsible. We struggle to support the family we have. But at the same time, we did not purposely set out to get pregnant. I am as stunned as the next person. We even have been meeting with adoption agencies and have submitted preliminary paperwork because we planned in the next three or so years to adopt a girl. Everyone knows we want a daughter. Adoption was our way of ensuring it to happen. We didn't want to take the chance of getting pregnant again with the great risk of having our fourth boy. That being said, we want everyone to know that we will love this baby no matter the gender. We may have some trouble picking yet another set of boy names but we'll cross that bridge if we get there.

Getting back to breaking the news to John...I had just returned home from work and instantly took the test. After I came out of the bathroom we were exchanging thoughts about our day (I think...my mind was a little busy with how to tell him) and finally after about fifteen minutes I said, "I don't know how to even tell you this so I'm just going to say it. I'm pregnant." He was completely silent, wide-eyed, with a dead-pan face for what seemed like an eternity but was probably about 30 seconds. I think he may have thought I was joking? Why I would joke about that is beyond me but that's my take on it. And then he just started laughing and laughing. I was so relieved. I could breathe again. I love my husband so much! He is exactly what I need in my life. God could not have picked a better match for me. He had the same reaction when I told him we were having twins. I love that his glass is not only half-full, it is all the way full.

Now that it has been about a week and the thoughts of having this addition to our family have settled in a bit we are both super excited (and nervous) about the idea. I mention being nervous because of various reasons. First off, there is of course the financial aspect. Secondly, we do not really even have room for another baby in our current house so we are trying to figure out the logistics of finding space for another little one. Thirdly, when I mentioned that this pregnancy is so different from the others it stretches beyond the unplanned surprise way in which we have miraculously conceived this child. I do not feel pregnant. At least in comparison to how I felt with my previous pregnancies. I'm not nauseous, my breasts are not tender, I'm not overly tired (well...not anymore than the normal exhaustion I feel every day). I feel exactly the same as I did in my pre-pregnant state. This concerns me greatly because everything I've ever read about pregnancy says that those symptoms (especially the nausea) are good to have because it means that things are progressing the way they should. I have been having nightmares the last three nights that I have lost the baby. I cannot shake these horrifying thoughts. I want to fast-forward to the second trimester because the risk of a miscarriage greatly reduces at that time and I think I will relax a little bit more. I did have some blood work done yesterday and Dr. Schell (my OB) called today to let me know that my progesterone and HCG levels are normal. That was very welcome news. I am supposed to have more blood work taken on Friday to find out if my numbers are doubling, in which case I would not have an "abnormal" pregnancy. I will continue to pray for peace in my mind and body that these concerns lessen as time goes by. Afterall, we cannot reverse time. For whatever reason we were meant to have this baby growing inside of me and we are thrilled at the thought of meeting him/her. I do know that after this one my tubes are getting tied.